I do not exactly remember when exactly it happened-the moment when this feeling of unrest set in. Or maybe it wasn't a single moment but a collection of a lot of them. However, the truth is I was simply unhappy and dissatisfied with my life. In other words I had a lot of illusions about a lot of things- I believe I still do but this time I'm aware. When I say illusions I mean the way I look at things. Blindly accepting, following and doing things simply because I was taught to do so without ever questioning anything. It almost baffles me now - the stupidity of it all and the realization that I truly do not know anything for what it actually is. I only have ideas and images of what something could/should be. The something here being - a word, my self, the reality of a moment and so much more.
Its a little funny that I always thought gathering more knowledge, more inspirations, more people to look up to and follow would give me answers- to put it simply-always expecting something or someone else to answer things for me instead of putting in the work myself. There is already an insane amount of ideas and projections that I accumulated since childhood and if I should be doing anything its probably to start letting go of them, not accumulate more.
The closest memory of this unrest I mentioned earlier is from about 2.5 years ago. A period when I would start so many things only to abandon them shortly afterwards. Start a business- call it quits, move to a new city- come back home- uncertain relationships-move to another city once again- another job-quit again-another home. This kept on for a while. At the time I only assumed I was simply lost career wise and craving stability in some form- in a person, a city or atleast a job. None of these worked out eventually.
Probably because each one of these was my attempt to live some illusion I had about myself. Illusions of the kind of job I should be doing, the kind of life I should be living and probably the saddest being - doing what somebody else did because it worked for them and expecting it work for me the same way so I could get the things I desired. And when one approach didn't work I would jump to another, only to seek the same things but just in another form. Bottomline is I was running away from reality. Avoiding the facts only to be brought back to face them in the form of failures.
I am glad.
I am glad all this happened- unrequited relations, unhappy places and a mailbox full of unanswered job applications. Because with each failed attempt my illusions started cracking and I felt closer to reality than ever. Reality being - me not knowing the very basics of life. I do not know what loving means(among other things). I only have ideas of it because someone wrote about it, painted it or sang about it but I have not understood it by myself. How can I say I love something or someone when I am only now coming to terms with my self? The way I look, feel and work as a whole. I used to separate all of these. I "love" my work but I "hate" how I look? I feel jealousy/hatred/envy/greed but I don't let myself feel it because we should shove all negative feelings without even giving a chance to see why it exists ? Such a mess of a contradiction all this.
But this time I am not running away from this contradiction that is myself. I am going to understand it and find out what it means to love and live in joy. What it means to be free.