When I created this space, this blog, I told myself that it is to be a place to empty out thoughts and nothing else. No pressure of it being professional or perfect in any way. These past two weeks I have done anything but this. There were many instances where I felt the urge to open up the blog and write something but I would tell myself that the "topic" I chose wasn't blog worthy or that I didn't have much to
say to fill the space.
Today has been particularly difficult. The country is in a hopeless condition with the raging pandemic deaths and there is so much weight that every individual is carrying, some more than others, a lot more. Conversations with friends and family have become grim. We went from making catch-up plans when all this is over - to - sharing condolence messages. I feel anger, grief, sadness and most of all, fear. Everything else seems trivial - work, deadlines, dreams. A lot of people are facing their worst fears coming true as I type this and just this realization fills me with so many emotions - helplessness for them, relief that I am not them, guilt because the relief seems utterly selfish and comfort no where to be found. The only time I feel a sense of comfort lately is when I offer it for another, in my own capacity.
Maybe these words too, are me offering comfort, disguised in a badly written form, to whoever is reading this. This time I am not writing to fill this space, rather, I'm leaving a lot of space. There is already much too weight. If anything, I simply need to feel lighter.