That's what it feels like. This space used to have all my illustration work-close to 260 posts and after a point I stopped coming here. It did initially serve as a "portfolio" page but lately it just feels like clutter. Is it possible to grow indifferent to one's own work? I don't know and for some reason I no longer see this as a bad thing. It feels okay. But I did want to use all this white space, or some of it, to just free myself and be. To not make it about work and mainly to remind myself not to take everything so seriously.
I worry. Most of the time its all just in my head and I'm aware of it. I worry about doing my work well and hardly ever taking a moment to celebrate the journey so far. Celebration or not, what I realized was the amount of control I am handing to everyone by expecting them to like my work. Today on my way to the studio this thought creeped up on me silently - so what if they don't like it? Usually I would follow such a question or statement with an answer to justify it immediately. But this time I didn't feel the need to do so. It felt sort of..freeing. Is freeing a word?
I wonder why we seek approval, why we put someone in a position to approve of us. For me its about my work, for some its about themselves as a person or maybe both..or maybe all these are simply different forms of validation. Is it necessary to give someone the responsibility to do that for us?
Maybe its about being understood and not so much about validation? I should look up the word validation. There are so many words I absorbed from Instagram for which I never actually took a moment to learn what they meant and understand them myself before simply accepting their meanings from others. I am now realizing that this approach to accepting things from others is not some "social media curse". Its just how we live. We did after-all grow up learning, following and watching our parents/parent figures and became what we are today.
I just wonder how much of this approach is still necessary? We are no longer infants . But we still tend to follow others, put others on a pedestal so they can guide us, teach us, tell us how to live and give us answers. It is so easy to collect things - words, opinions, beliefs. Until a few years ago my phone gallery had a whole folder dedicated to "inspiring" quotes. Although I didn't keep this going, I did continue the practice in different forms -constantly seeking inspiring figures, motivational material and all of that. While it had its perks I realized I was getting used to always looking outside for guidance, never within.
Inspirational or not, they are still outside voices, not my own.
That's the funny thing. As long as I seek and give power to positive influence, the negative will have the same impact on me. I just prefer one over the other but its still a matter of giving control to the outside world.
I begin to ask myself if there is a neutral space. Where I am able to see things as they are without always involving my sense of "self" in the process. Maybe this space is already there. I just need to clear the clutter.